George Bush can't lose

Nearly a full month before ending his Presidency George Bush has gone to Iraq to high five the Nation for riding the tip of America's boot out from under tyranny and to declare the people of Iraq capable of governing and defending themselves. The out pouring of gratitude from the citizens of Iraq was overwhelming, one man went as far as to give the President his shoes, what a moving gift. You can bet a pair of shoes isn't easy to come by in a country without electricity, sewage, or running water, it can only stand as a matter of thanks for the man who made it all possible, you know how the old saying goes...."Shoe me once shame on me, shoe me twice and you won't get shoe'd again."



Mission accomplished.

The rising tide

America is in a shambles out sourcing jobs has crippled the manufacturing capacity of the United States, the once mighty auto industry is on life support, and American debt is at its highest average ever. In the age of globalization American economic stability is flirting with disaster and positioing itself for extinction. Even the entertainment industry, which was once considered recession proof, has begun to scale back and streamline expenses to remain profitable. The entertainment industry is America's greatest natural resource and it is this valuable asset that can turn the tide of economic disaster that has fallen over this great land.

Here is a three tier program to utilize several famous assets to bail out America.

First, due to the high number of threats against the incoming President, Brock Lesner will be made the head of the Secret Service. When an individual makes an attempt to assasinate the President, they will be captured and taken to a boxing ring at Guantanamo Bay where he will recieve an Ultimate beat down by Lesner, this event will be broadcast on payperview with the profits going to give tax breaks.

Second, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will both be placed in charge of the CIA, where they will systematically slam every spy in the world. No spy will be able to resist possibility of sexual
intercourse with Branjolina, and therefore they will be willing to give up any secret for those services. We may have to hire John Travolta to fill in the gaps with the gay spy's. Once the bounty on Osama Bin Laden's head includes a twitter with Angelinas bird, he will be sitting in Sing Sing inside of 48 hours.

Third, the most important issue facing Americans today is energy independence, which is why the United States must make a lease available to drill into Rosie Odonnell, it has been estimated that drilling in her chin fat could produce nearly 10billion barrels per day, this would nearly offset nearly half of Al Gore's mansions energy consumption. Bisquick is currently bidding to build a pipeline to extract pancake batter from her groin folds, which could mean nearly 7 billion in new breakfast taxes. It has estimated that full exploitation of Rosies "Fattural"(TM) resources could offset Social Security debt beyond 2075.

This plan will satisfy all of America's security and economic needs for the rest of the future.

I miss Redd Foxx

Why don't celebrities fake heart attacks anymore? Did it become less funny since Redd Foxx died? Or have celebrities become less fun? I think it is the latter. Just take Ophra Winfreys for example, has anyone ever seen her have any kind of fun that didn't relate to giving fat women iPods? Oprah needs to get fucked badly and not by some old man. I'd fuck Ophra in a New York Minute. I don't mean Marvin Gaye tender loving either. I am talking about the Ron Jeremy variety of cock faced poon smashing. I would fuck Ophra and then when I was on the red carpet at the Oscars......I'd let Robert Downey Jr smell my fingers, and he'd love it. America would love it. I'd get my own show and then quit when the suits tried to compromise my artistic integrity, only to come back after they offer me more money, then I'd fake a heart attack on the View and I'd feel Whoopi up when she trys to check my pulse. I bet her boobs feel like unripened Avacados.

Photobucket Album

It is ok to have sex with a bigot

Never fear. If you have met a really good looking person and they are a bigot, it is OK to have sex with a bigot. GOD designed your gonads to want to be touched and not to solve moral dilemmas. If GOD had intended for our gonads to be moral, then he would have printed the bible on them and we would reproduce by reading each others labias and scrotums out loud. As it is, gonads are rubbing and not reading, squirting and not saving.
If you are balls deep in some hunny and she starts yelling......"Fuck me like a nigger, and kill a Jew up my ass" Never fear, those are just words and you need not stop what you are doing, GOD forgives, however, pussy does not. It doesnt matter if a girl wants to wear a pillow case on her head and burn down a church as long as she tickles your taint before it is all over, and you can take that to the bank.

Showers in Africa

Only white people take showers in Africa. I should know I was the Mayor of Africa for most of the 60's. I recently read that Jennifer Aniston has vowed to take 3 min showers and even brushing her teeth while in the shower. Apparently Al Gore has used one of the coal fired super computers housed in his megaplex to determine that 2 mins in the shower consumes as much water as an African does all day long. First off....Africa smells like a fucking zoo. I defy you to prove that there is a country on Earth that has more hippo, giraffe and gorilla shit just laying around, it is every where, people build their fucking homes out of it. The possibilities for indoor plumbing are rather limited in a shit hut......bottom line, you are nt going to improve your BO condition by getting a shit hut really wet with steamy, properly heated, shower water. Believe it or not, Africans don't really mind, they like smelling like shit and gorilla fist ash trays and the whole schmear of Africa. If they didn't like it, more than likely they would move the fuck out because the chances of Africa smelling less like shit in the near future are not improving. Think Im lying? Fly to Africa and ask ten strangers if they know what toilet paper is.

How many Africans could get a drink out of Al Gore's pool? He could fly them over on his private jet, and let them stay in his guest house. I bet they dont take shower's and there will be some goat shit in the pool afterwards.

Abortions for some

I would do a lot for a trillion dollars, wishing Barbara Bush had frigged her withered old Santa Claus twat with a white hot clothes hanger seems to be one of the more socially acceptable possibilities. If Mother Cheney had douched with Drano, you could have taken "One" of the trillions spent in Iraq and given every person in the United States of America 3333.33$, seems like such a slam dunk. I wish the CIA would fire up the time machine and we could get those two broads drunk and take them to Planned Parenthood.

Recycled Paper towels are bad

I wouldn't wipe a rat's ass with the 365 brand recycled paper towels I bought from Whole Fools market. Only a fucktarded hippie would create a small thin paper towel to conserve resources. You couldn't dry an ants dick with one of these fucking things. Correct me if I am wrong Sandy, but don't trees grow on trees? So what the fuck are you conserving? Does it matter that fewer resources go into a product when you have to use twice as much of that product to do a simple job like drying human skin?

The R-word

Is this really 2008? I just think I heard someone use the R-word instead of the proper nomenclature......RETARDED. Did Retards suddenly become self aware and less Retarded? Are consumers soon to be held over the barrel of the incredible buying power of the Retarded community if we do not fall into step with the Retard agenda? What are the true consequences of offending the Retard culture? Self awareness is one of the fundamental building blocks of being offended. If you do not understand who you are or where you are at, then how would you know if you are offended. If a Retard gets offended by a word they don't even understand, then that is one angry Retard and I would sooner know what provokes that beast so I don't make a slip and end up in the grips of its good arm. Be wary of the good arm.......Retard strength is no joke.

Christian Bale is Batman

Actor Christian Bale was recently arrested for allegedly assaulting his mother and sister......is that really a crime? I thought that Parliament had specifically passed the "If she deserves it" Act to clear up grey areas about bitch slapping moochy women. Apparently his estranged family members had accausted Americas greatest actor in an effort to draw him into some pyramid scheme or QuiXtar franchise. When he refused to dole out any of his hard earned money the two woman apparently pushed themselves into his fists and then called the Police. He obviously let these hookers off without a thorough beating since the Police didn't see fit to detain him from appearing at the premiere of his new movie in London.....http://news.bostonherald.com/entertainment/movies/general/view/2008_07_22_Reports:_Batman_actor_arrested_in_London/srvc=home&position=also

It's pretty simple bitches.......if you talk back to Batman you are gonna get a slap

Transformers sequel to be more sci fi?

Super Director Micheal Bay revealed to Entertainment weekly that the upcoming Transformers sequel will be more Sci Fi......(exclamation point). At first glance it would appear that robots from space that turn into cars and blow the fuck out of shit is pretty Sci Fi to begin with, you might ask yourself if it is even possible to take a story about giant talking robots and add a kernel of Science Fiction....like a talking ape or Spiderman. Maybe if Indiana Jones really discovered the Transformers and at the end of the movie Optimus Prime's head splits open and Richard Dreyfus pops out and then he thunder punches King Kong into space where he explodes and allows General Zod to escape from the Phantom Zone, setting up the middle two movies in a five part trilogy about how Earth is really GOD's butt plug. Of course if you saw the first bloody turd link of a movie you might say to yourself......fuck maybe less gay kid and more talking robots and that would be cool.

Can we afford less evil?

I just want to slap some people, a lot of people actually. Have you ever had someone tell you who to vote for because their candidate was the lesser of two evils? It seems like you can't go anywhere these days without someone offering up their political opinion about who you should vote for and why. Folks it doesn't matter who you vote for, Presidential candidates spend millions of dollars (Of Other peoples Money!!!!!)to win a job that pays less than 500k per year. Anyone who spends millions to get a job making thousands is either too stupid to unfuck a bread tie, or they are on the take. So if you are going to get evil either way you vote, then why take the lesser one? This is like saying that instead of voting for the Devil you are going to vote for one of his poker buddies because he is the lesser of two evils. You know what you get when you vote for the lesser of two evils? You get bad evil. Fuck that. If I am paying for the shit, then I want the best evil money can buy. Considering the two candidates that are available, odds are that is exactly what we are going to get.

Christ I need a beer

While attending world youth day in Australia the Pope disclosed his love of drinking beer. Who can blame him, considering all of the checks he has to write to buy silence for child molesters. I would need a belt or ten if I were him. How many beers does it take to get over coughing up 600million dollars to pay for all of the ass damage the Archdiocese has wrought over the decades? A lot. A lot. It's not like I need an excuse to drink. Most of my liver squirted out onto an abortion Dr's floor, and that has left me with an unquenchable thirst. Leave it up to an aborted baby to point out the irony of the Pope going to world youth day and disclosing his range of email accounts and giving the kids the thumbs up to tip a few back while watching sweaty Euro fags run around and play grab ass for 3 hours. His holiness did not forget to remark about his flambouyant red shoes and how the are made by the hands of Christ on Earth. How modest of him.........gay

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,24015892-5016937,00.html

Jesse Jackson hates blacks, and he's half black

It could only have been funnier if Jesse Jackson had called Obama a nappy headed ho. Fuck you Jesse Jackson you are the biggest bitch on Earth. You cry like a fucking two year old in a tub grinder when ever anyone says shit, and now you are calling Obama an Uncle Tom and that makes you want to touch his nuts. That's nasty Jesse, what would your grandmama think?

Abortions = Independence

Freedom is the foundation of American society and culture, the philosophy of Liberty is what inspired a nation to be formed in an effort to protect freedom for the present and ensure it for the future. It is Americas rich history of protecting liberty that makes the current political culture seem that much more ironic.

Despite the fact that the Presidents conquest for Democracy in the Middle East, or as GOD likes to call it "Operation fill up Heaven" , is going off without a hitch, there is still a huge undercurrent of political activity to undermine a babies right to be aborted, thus delivering their untainted soul into the army of the lord. Some people may feel a new born baby being flushed down the toilet is a travesty, however, when you consider that on the other end of that pearly white porcelain gate is the loving embrace of Jesus. Considering how much America loves Jesus, it would be a misscarriage of justice to not make that flush.

Mortal life is a form of slavery, when mother had me scraped from her vagina she didn't do it because she wanted to preserve her freedom of choice, or because she wanted to be able to hang with her friends and be young, even though Mother dreamed of college and boys, she knew GODS plan would turn that abortion into my emancipation, and my soul was delivered to heaven untainted by sin. Due to Mothers great sacrifice, I am now a general in GODs army, and you should all be so luck, when you arrive to heaven your soul will be weighted by the misery of mortal life, cheating wives, and crying babies. I would not trade the POWER of being the fist of GOD for any of the sundries of human life. Give me Abortion or give me death.



HAppy 4th of July

Being an Angel has its upside

There are a lot of reasons I am glad I was never born, aside from the fact that my ding dong was shredded like White House email when mother had me hoovered out of her vagina, I am glad I never made it to my 16th birthday and have to pay these high gas prices. However, I feel never having lived on Earth has left me out of touch with humanity and that is why I asked GOD to allow me to be among the living.

I am an aborted fetus Angel and I bring you good news, heaven needs abortions. There are not enough good people on Earth so, Jesus needs fresh babies to keep his army of Angels strong. Aside from having my head sucked through my asshole, being aborted was the best thing that has ever happened to me. When you are aborted you automatically become an Angel....that is like being voted on the All-Star team with out ever playing a game. Abortions are a hall pass to heaven. I have already met GOD and Jimmi Hendrix. I have come to Earth to spread the new gospel of abortions. I encourage all young girls to get atleast one before they graduate high school, it is like giving your fetus a winning lottery ticket.....in heaven Mother Theresa does my laundry and it is not just because she is a woman.